So long, Sogang

Well, I'm done.
In case you haven't heard, my school, SLP (Sogang Language Program) cut my contract a few weeks back. I was supposed to finish my contract in June. Instead, I finished about 4 hours ago. (It's currently Friday, February 26 at 10:21pm Seoul Time)
I'll miss the kids. I'll miss my co-workers and friends at church.
But I have to be honest, I'm not too terribly heartbroken about this. I've had dreams and visions that seem like they may actually get to come to fruition. The day they told me that they cut my contract, an hour and a half or so before they told me, I was standing in the hallway. My kids were getting a drink of water and using the restroom. This pretty intense pulling within my chest (that I've come to know quite well--don't worry, it's not biological, I promise) was pulling pretty hard. I looked at my students. They were cute. But, inside I was praying, "Lord...I need to be doing what I'm meant to be doing....and this isn't it." My Korean co-worker walked past me. I could tell I had a grimace on my face. "Melisa! You look sad!" she said as she passed. I think I just nodded.
An hour and a half later I was told my job would be over a few weeks later.
Needless to say it's been weeks full of praying, searching, talking, and writing, writing, writing. There's really only one place I've ever wanted to be, and that is Finland. I can't explain it. It's ridiculous. A big part of the reason I came to Korea was to get rid of this incesant longing to be there. Instead, it only grew. And suddenly, the idea of being there didn't seem so crazy. I don't know. Maybe it's because everyone here is an expat and therefore the idea of continuing to be an expat somewhere else, the idea of living abroad, isn't absurd. Don't get my wrong. South Dakota will ALWAYS be my home. I miss it. I love it. I feel bad for having a tugging to leave it. I'm SO excited to come home for a visit this summer. I miss my friends. I miss my family. And I've wondered, for a long time, why isn't it enough to be there? What's wrong with me? I worry so much as I leave for this next chapter of my life that my friends and family members back home think I'm not coming back because I don't care. This is not true. Not in the slightest. But this I know...this insane, intense desire to be in Finland has never ceased. I've tried putting it out of my mind. I've tried cleansing myself from it. I've tried surrendering it to God...a lot. I've tried ignoring it. I even tried to replace it by coming to Korea and being able to visit other countries in Asia...hoping one of them would spark in my heart so I would know it's just international traveling I love, rather that something else...something bigger. But none of those have worked. And so it is, I will leave Korea, and after a few days of "buffer time" (for the purposes of debriefing myself from this chaos known as Korea) I will set foot once again in Finland. For how long? Good question. I guess I'm going tentatively to see if this really is the place for me. I'm at a place where I can go and see. And if I didn't at least try, I'd always regret it.
And maybe I'll get there, and I'll realize all this pining has been of my own selfish desire, and I can finally go home. But at least I'll know. I need to know.

So, today was it. No more Korean children. I'll spend the next 5 days packing and more importantly, spending time with the people here who have been such a significant part of my life. They have kept me sane. They have encouraged me. They have laughed with me. They have cried with me. They have prayed with me. They have traveled with me. They have shared thier lives with me and I with them. I am SO SO SO thankful for all of them. I will miss them greatly. But they all know my heart. They are cheering for me, and again I am grateful. No words can express how thankful I am for them, and for all my family and friends back home who love me and encourage me and pray for me and put up with my crazy wanderlust.

Wow...this blog got a little more dramatic that I had anticipated. But there it is. I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time anyway. Thanks for reading. I love you.